Category Archives: Past and Present

Humans are never strong forever

Passing through many rough patches in the last entire year, blogging has been more like a distant dream to me. So today may be you can call it a warm up post or a mere trial. There have been days and days (currently the third consecutive day and many more uncountable ones) when I just opened the blog deciding to write something but ended up just scrolling through a few poems and blogs in the readers column. So today I thought may be just start over and complete at least a single previous draft.

I have been working on myself for a couple of months; my own well-being both physical as well as emotional. A few decisions, a few efforts and more focused results. I have come to realize that being strong is not about just claims. In all the turmoils that I’ve been through I have found myself as an extremely feeble and fickle-minded person. Then another perspective comes that may be the ‘strong image’, ‘the stable mind’ and the decisiveness that I associate with myself were pure deceptions maintained within my mind. Well, this isn’t the case I believe as these traits of mine were admired by others firstly when I never even knew about them at the very first place. I’ve been hearing things like ‘you are a very patient, strong individual’ and many more things regarding my mental abilities and resilience. I am glad to pen it down here that I’ve found all of these claims entirely false.

I used be extremely proud (within myself) of the fact that I bare a strong mental charisma. But well, all in vain. With immense immense gratitude, I believe that in search of attributes of mental strength what I was running behind was a mere ‘cold stone’. We as humans can never be mere vessels, hollow and empty; devoid of emotions. We can never be stones; unmoved, unharmed and unaffected by all extremities. Probably I forgot that when the earth shakes, even the toughest stones and mountains break. So yeah, the earth shook and I was the weakest stone thus, i was crushed into a million pieces. I am glad it happened. I am glad i got the much needed reality check.

I am not a vessel, for I bear feelings; love, hate, rage, lust, affection, deception, anger, jealousy and all buried inside. I am humbled and grateful that I am not what I thought of myself instead I am what He made me. I am smiling while writing this because I have silently cried many nights. I am standing here because I have been broken times again and again. I try to be humble and down because I have been shook by fate and my mistakes. I surrender to His mercy today because I have fought with him many many times. I believe in my worth today because I have spent ages and ages doubting myself. I have uplifted my morale for it has been degraded way too often. I see light in the day because i have experienced dark in the finest of lights. I am grateful (utterly grateful) today because I have been thankless all my life.

The first draft post 3 months ago
After six amendments here today.

Well, in the flow of words I have totally forsaken the draft which I was supposed to be completing and posting today. The draft was initially just two sentences written over a period of good three months. So this poor soul has been edited and postponed approximately six times and yet completed in a totally off post 😀 (A cruel writer I had been I know).


Right now, after three months and six revisions I am still blindfolded by the topic and the thought behind the draft. Sitting with my laptop right in front and my mug of tea residing on it I think of completing another post with the same thought and proceeding forward the draft idea. This is what I love about being here where I am; the comfort, the gratitude, the ability to write and lastly off-course, my mug of tea.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Tour Guide

Another vow.


Until the next time stay blessed. And lastly, here are the two poor lines (their answers are yet to be discovered. Yeah I am a lazy person and I know it 🙂 ).

How many times have I got overwhelmed by the pace of events going on with every passing day?
No counts and numbers girl

And how many times the frustration had been because of the monotony that life has to offer at times?
Can’t count again




Into the ‘Past’ as I Reflect

What the Mirror shows from ‘Past’.

You guys randomly start talking one day on the phone.
He compliments you & tells you that you sound pretty & cute.
He asks you about your past relationship & you ask him about his.
You then share & tell him more stories about your past & he tells you about his.

He starts flirting with you & you start flirting back.
Then he asks you for you to meet and you planned it right away.
He tells you he has fever but he would still come to meet you.
He had fever he was sick but still he stood waiting for an hour just for you.
He said he knew you’ve committed so you’ll come.

Soon talking to him becomes a part of your daily routine & you wait for him everyday to text you.
Whenever you receive something from him, you start smiling & your day instantly becomes better.
He talks to you daily asking how your day went.
You talk to him all night & he always asks if you are tired & if you want to go to bed.
The night conversations you have with him are always the best & the deepest.
You sleep when he sleeps & he sleeps when you sleep.
Now he wants to meet up & hangout with you.

When you meet up with him, you feel even more chemistry with him & you feel butterflies in your stomach every time you talk to him.
Now you tell your friends how much of an amazing guy he is & you are interested in him.
Soon he confesses that he is interested in you & you tell him we are just friends.
You like his reaction whenever you make him realize that we are just friends.
It gives you a clinge of how much he wants you.
You feel like you’re the happiest girl alive & the feeling is so strong between you guys.

You spend whole days and nights thinking of him and imagining what he would have been doing now.
He always tells you before hanging up the phone “Just take care of yourself”.
He tells you to have some rest whenever you tell him about your regular kidney pain.
And you tell him to please just stop smoking.
He says he tried and will try again.

He tells you again and again that many girls are after him.
Then hours and hours are spent listening to the stories of other girls.
You realize that he is doing that on purpose.
You get irritated but just would never show.
You thought about doing the same to him but just couldn’t.
There could not have been any other guy that you could even imagine … Except HIM.

He criticizes the nudity promoted in the films.
He says he denies to be a part of the crowd.
You consider him different and had no doubts.

You get annoyed when friends tease you by his name.
Still you smile just because it’s His name.
You never tell him how you actually feel.
You realize “Denial is another form of acceptance”
Just because you fear that you’ll loose him some day.
You start ignoring him just to escape from what you feel.
He is amused, disappointed; but just vain enough to ask.

The ignorance is breaking you from inside.
He stops putting effort into talking to you.
You think he is angry because of what you did.
He stops telling you to take care of yourself.
And responding positively when you tell him not to smoke.
You cry at nights, you’ve never felt that way.
You used to laugh at the love birds in school and see now you deserved to be laughed upon.

Benedict Smith

Your friend is sick and tired and one day what she did.
Without even telling you, she called Him and told him all.
Your phone rang that night and you did not have the courage to talk.
It rings and rings again. Yet again and again.
He would never give up.
You picked up and had no words.

He asked “Why did you do that?”
As you said “You told me we are just friends”
“No, you told me this way… I LOVE YOU”
You would reply “Me too”
He said ..”What you too?? I wanna hear you saying it all”
“I’VE LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND STILL I DO”, you had a difficult time saying that.
The night passed in thinking and you consider it one of the best nights of your life.

You talk happily for hours and you wonder how time passes when he’s around.
He tells your friend he’s afraid your family wont like him.
You just smile …. Yeah he looks cute you think.
He asked you one day “If you loved me then why you never seemed jealous when I discussed other girls?”
You would just smile and tell him you knew he had been criticizing them all long.
If he was interested then he wouldn’t have discussed them as a joke with you.
He laughs and says “You are smart”.

He suddenly stops texting you first.
When you guys talk now it’s only because you hit him up first.
He would start argumenting quite often.
It became more often these days.
Things changed & you don’t understand what unexpectedly happened.
He doesn’t show that he still wants to be with you.
He would call once in a week and just talk about sex.
You try to change the topic but he is still clinged to the same.

You are afraid of the lust in his voice.
He never seemed that needy.
You are afraid that he can do anything to get what he wants.
He shows no interest in you or your relationship.
Every time he talks its just about sex and nothing else.

You become extremely clingy & you don’t know what to do.
You can’t help wondering what went wrong.
You ask him if anything is wrong & he tells you that everything is fine.
Then you start thinking he’s mad at you for something you did,
but he assures you that you need to relax & everything’s okay. He tells you that he’s just been busy
. So you wait for a while & nothing is changing.

He’s still “busy” all the time & he doesn’t even try to talk to you.
Now every time you talk to him except sex it becomes an argument.
& you get scared that you are being annoying for hitting him up first, so you stop talking to him.
Months pass, & you don’t talk to him at all.

You never know what happened from his point of view.
Because of him, every night you’re hurt & upset.
You don’t know what went wrong in the relationship between you two.
  You miss the old person he used to be & you don’t even know what he has changed into.
He tells you not to post on his Facebook as his family would make an issue out of it.
You feel strange but its just that you trust him blindly.

One day you see that he has a new girl in his life.
He’s calling her cute names & everything he used to tell you.
He calls her baby & tells her that he thinks she’s beautiful.
He smiles and laughs while she kisses him.
He has no problem when she writes on his Facebook.
He seems completely fine without you now & he has someone else to talk & text to every day & night.
You refuse to believe that he played you, but it’s true.

You just say nothing and walk away silently.
Because “Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing is the same”
You’re still hurt &  everything you do reminds you of him.
You can’t stop thinking about him & you cry every night when your thinking about him.
You watch the sky and tell GOD that
“I have been a sinner .. Forgive me for all that I thought and all that I do”

You’ve changed it all.
You don’t consider any guy different now.
You don’t let other people govern yourself and your life.
You don’t let other people know hoe you feel.
You live your own life.
You do whatever your mind says is good for you.

“Because whatever is meant to be will happen anyways”

Weekly Photo Challenge: Reflecting

Fear- our driving force

Heya everyone who is reading now or will read my content anytime after.

It was long ago since I read this quote by Khalid Hosseini. I can’t actually say from which book of his is the quote taken as I am not done with reading all of them (Although I hope to do it one day soon). Anyhow it says;

“They think they live by what they want. But really what guides them is what they are afraid of. What they don’t want.”
– Khalid Hosseini

As jigsawed as it appeared initially, the more meaningful it tended to be afterwards. The danger of confronting your worst fears is actually what keeps you running in life. If I look at myself it has always been like that. A year from now I remember sitting in my office and thinking of loosing the friends  I was attached to, and the mere feeling was enough to give me goosebumps. And here I am now a year later, distant from all that I thought was conspicuous to me.

Five years ago, as I sat in my university lecture hall, thinking that I can never be stupid enough to fall victim to any mutual attachment. And here five years later, I am fallen fickle-minded and in deep ambivalence. Well … the post got too depressing I guess (accept my sincere apologies). The central essence is that you always always are destined to meet the danger of your worst fears and you still continue to live no matter what. (It is like that for me but I hope things can be opposite for others).

Thinking of the same things one night I just jotted down a few words- a poem actually.


Hoping to write about you one day,
What always held me back was fear,
Yeah… fear.

For I fear you’ll ace all my regrets,
and stand atop of all flaws I possess,

You’ll be a throbbing pain I feared,
Whose remembrance causes agony and guilt,

I feared starting to give you much worth,
For I may make me loose my worth.

Alas! little did I know whether I write or not,
It’s your worst fears that you always have to confront,

The most dreadful fears of yours are the ones you are bound to face,
Thus…. Here I am. 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Danger

For days without you


All these years… and it scares me to even think,
What I would have done without you?

But as much as it scares me,
I know a thing for a fact,

All next years.. and all will be occupied,
By things I am bound to do without you.

That’s the issue,
That’s the reason,
That’s the problem,
And … that’s the cure…

The Daily Post: Panicked

The Crazy Things I Do..

Starting it all … i am tired, actually way more than just tired. It’s like you don’t work much and you still feel exhausted … mentally exhausted.
Too much of mind work I know.
So here I decided to pour all the mental exhaustion in one post.. Yeah a bad idea I know but still.

The Photo Challenges fascinate me and like I always do after long blogging breaks .. just starting again with the Photo Challenge.
Emmmm … Achievements.
Practically the word “Achievement” can have variable meanings for different people. It basically depends on the goals a person sets for himself.
For a person like me who is not much purpose oriented, the word Achievement means the tiny little things I do in my little world.

meA sketch that I make,
A poem that I write,

The exposed wire.
The exposed wire.

A fine painting
And even a great blog post.

When it comes to my belongings I am a person who keeps all the things saved for years and years. And yeah a few things get extraordinary attention ; my cellphone, my music player and earphones.

I loved the earphones that I had from the past year or so but apparently due to excessive usage the attachment from its main lead got loose and the inner wire was exposed. That simply meant that they were not going to last long.
I particularly loved those earphones because they are kind of curved or somewhat semi-inverted ear pieces that would fit perfectly in your ears .. A perfect match that gives your favorite music a sense of completion.DSC03759

Here as you can see the little bit inverted perfect ear pieces.

I did not actually wanted to loose this particular piece so I decided to apply my own tiny little tactics and see if they work or not ..


Yes I actually planned on mending just an earphone.

Sounds insane ..
Yup I know ..

I know I could have bought a new one but it’s just that sometimes you just don’t wanna replace a few things because you like them.

At the very beginning I didn’t even know what to do with this thing.
I just had a scotch tape and white glue and that made no sense at all …

Adjoining it with scotch tape was seriously of no use .. because it would not have lasted for more than a week maximum. And same goes with glue.
The glue and tape would have made the things worse as I keep my Walkman in my college bag which is like constantly dragged by me and my friends along with us everywhere from the morning till the evening so whatever the mending thing I had to do had to be firm enough to persist for at least the next few months.

After several minutes of thinking I remembered that years ago I bought a Double Tape which I never used after that. It is a more thick and more tough and binds more firmly as it’s both sides are sticky. I started tying it around theexposed and protruded wire.

New Ideas.
New Ideas.

This part was kind of time consuming.

Securing Ahead.
Securing Ahead.

I had to cut tiny bits of tape again and again so that the pieces join adequately and are sticked properly to the exposed wire.
Since both the sides were sticky so I decided to secure the outer side with simple tape.

So Done.
So Done.

The final shape and look after securing with tape goes somewhat like this.

But again this wasn’t something that I was much confident and satisfied about.

At this point I couldn’t think of anything else that I could do to it further or anything else which I could have possibly done instead of this.

Yeah.. I admit the fact that it looked ugly but the thing that made me even more uncomfortable was that Alas! after so much time it’s still not firm enough.


I started roaming around randomly in the house. After several hours in search of something useful I came across an old earphone that belonged to my sister. Apparently it was not in working condition and it had a black rubber around its main lead. That gave me an immediate solution and I tried to take that rubber off the lead. After several tries I realized that there’s no option except just cutting that rubber off into halves.

Then I pulled it over my own earphone and to my surprise it seemed all in vain.

The rubber was way too small and couldn’t constitute the lead of my phones.

The utmost disappointing moment it had been.

The upper side.
The lower side rubber unfits.

I could have secured it further using any tape but I didn’t wanted it to look messy.

The disadvantage of using normal tapes in these things is that it ultimately looses its stickiness. It’s never long lasting in my case.

I was thinking of something to tie this rubber up but again that would have given a messy touch.

After several minutes of searching I found my old hair bands that I bought once and didn’t use afterwards.

Yes .. I mean the hair ponies.

Yes .. Hair Bands.
Yes .. Hair Bands.

I am planing to mend an earpiece with hair ponies.

My idea worked really well.
The mending was well placed, firm and even more than satisfactory in my opinion.There was no messy look.

All set.
All set.

No tape marks on the front.
No stickiness from the glue.
And even after that much bending and turning the phones were still in perfect working condition which I doubted that won’t stay this way after my poorly assembled mechanical tries. 🙂

Yes .. I know among all of this nothing was actually necessary. I could have gotten a new one immediately but I just loved my previous one so I preferred working on that.

I won’t let you die man”
“I won’t let you die that early”
As I uttered to myself and the phones again,
I can be insane at times and at others i can be one hell of an rational person but that’s actually who I am.

Insanity is an essential component of everyone’s personality and whoever says there is not even a bit of insanity in him/her simply hasn’t known himself truly yet.

That was an achievement for me. 🙂
An insane one… These are some of the crazy things I do. 🙂

Weekly Photo Challenge: Achievement

Here goes the final one.
My music player … It has been with me since 4 years now and I love it.
(The song is Monster by Imagine Dragons .. A must listen)

Monster - Imagine Dragons.
Monster – Imagine Dragons.
My Love.
My Love.

A big “NO” to writing… Blah blah

I Feel This Way.
I Feel This Way.

Aaah … so here I am. Back to my beloved blog after a long time. It’s been months since I have practically written an elaborate post. Almost like 3 months.

Things have been pretty much hard on me and honestly speaking I’ve been harder with myself as well. Three consecutive months of exams, I’ve not been sleeping well,eating well, just confined to my bedroom and my bed. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve had a nice long conversation with anybody; my siblings, my friends or anybody. For a few months I felt as if life is imprisoned in a few books and my bedroom.

I was never the sort of a person who would take exams or anything in life seriously but I seriously have no idea what happened this time. I was

worried, I was hell tensed and most of all I was agitated . The exams are finally over and it has been over 2 weeks but yes … I am still surprised at my attitude. I am still edgy and my lack of interest in everything surprises me. During my exams I planned a whole TO Do List after the exams but now … I don’t feel like sketching, I don’t feel like painting, I don’t feel like Writing … Yeah a big NO to writing.

The bad No Writing Days
The bad No Writing Days

It’s just that whenever I pick up my pen I don’t feel that pace, that rhythm of words that I used to feel before.
Mostly at night I feel like writing but it’s just that words are not in good terms with me these days.
For a person who is not expressive, who doesn’t speak at all and then starts expressing everything through writing. Then suddenly the words say a huge “Bye Bye!” , That puts a lot of burden on your heart seriously so yeah… Things are not going good with me.

I20140706-062245-22965771.jpg have had constant headache for the past month because I didn’t sleep well at night partly because of my exams and mainly because I am having massive sleeping problems for a couple of months. Normally a headache is nothing new for me … More or less I feel like I tame them or may be they tame me.
Still I don’t sleep well, my backbone hurts everyday, I’ve lost more weight. Plus nowadays I am hell angry at everyone.
I’ve fought with my siblings more than twice in this week and countless times in the previous month. I scold my brother on every tiny little thing and he just passes by without saying anything. So in short I am turning into a full time Evil Lady… Oh! No no no, not a Lady just an Evil young girl .. The word Lady seems old.. I wanna stay as a kid throughout my life, I don’t wanna grow up.
I was always considered as a “Happy Go Lucky” person but Gosh! This time?? … I am seriously surprised and I dunno what?
I get offended by little arguments. I consider every joke as a disrespect to myself. I can feel fear growing within myself. I feel like no matter how much I pretend not to give a damn but still there is something inside me which says I am sensitive to people’s attitudes.
And honestly I don’t like this new edgy and sensitive version of mine.




The girl you once knew … Doesn’t Exist anymore

soThe girl who always could … Just couldn’t.
The girl who always laughed it off .. suddenly cried.
The girl who always seemed so strong … Finally crumbled.
The girl who always stood alone … Once needed somebody.
The girl who always refused to surrender … Let it all go.

The girl you once knew doesn’t exist anymore.

An Absolute Second Chance in Life

From many years I’ve been hearing that there is no second chance in Life, no second chance in Love and no second chance in relations and trust.

Talking about myself I am not practically in favour of giving second chances. Theoretically I say that we being humans make many mistakes and they need to be forgiven but when it comes to practical application I am always the opposite way.

Yes at times I do give second chances but only and only to those who mean a lot to me. By a lot I seriously mean A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

Anyways I was talking about Second chances in Life. Not everybody gets that but a few ones are actually lucky and blessed to get and immediately grab those.

Here is a short breath taking and thought provoking story that I read just now regarding Life’s chances.

The good old days.
The good old days.

It was their anniversary, and Julia was waiting for her husband George to show up.

Things had changed since their marriage, the once cute couple couldn’t-live-without each-other had turned bitter.

The fading shades of Love.
The fading shades of Love.

Fighting over every little things, both didn’t like the way things had changed. Julia was waiting to see if George remembered it was their anniversary!

As Love fades and Life changes.
As Love fades and Life changes.

Just as the door bell rang she ran to find her husband wet and smiling with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

The two started re-living the old days. Making up for fights, then was the plan for the dinner and it was raining outside! It was perfect.

Rain means resilience.
Rain means resilience.

But the moment paused when the phone in the bedroom rang.

Julia went to pick it up and it was a man. “Hello ma’am I’m calling from the police station. Is this Mr. George’s number?”
“Yes it is!”

Unexpected things happen.
Unexpected things happen.

“I’m sorry ma’am; but there was an accident and a man died.

We got this number from his wallet; we need you to come and identify his body.”

Julia’s heart sank.!!! She was shocked!

But my husband is here with me?”

Sorry ma’am, but the incident took place at 2 pm, when he was boarding the train.”

Julia was about to lose her conscience.

Sudden reactions.
Sudden reactions.

How could this happen?!

She had heard about the soul of the person coming to meet a loved one before it leaves!

She ran into the other room.

He was not there. It was true! He had left her for good!!

Oh God she would have died for another chance to mend every little fight! She rolled on the floor in pain. She lost her chance! Forever!

The feeling of loosing all you have.
The feeling of loosing all you have.

Suddenly there was a noise from the bathroom, the door opened and George came out and said

Darling, I forgot to tell you my wallet got stolen today”.


Second chance to dream.
Second chance to dream.

No one is promised tomorrow. Have a wonderful Life with no regrets!

Trusting your Instincts

It’s been a long time since I’ve written something, although I have been thriving to write something for weeks but I just couldn’t. Half of the reason is my exams and half because I am not in a good form these days.
Thinking a lot is something really normal for me but these days I am getting nervous and pretty much sensitive over ill issues that

The little instinct bulb in your head.
The little instinct bulb in your head.

never seemed to bother me before. I dunno the reason but things are happening this way since a short period of time.
A week ago while solving my paper in the examination hall I was overwhelmed by a dozen thoughts. I have a strange urge of common sense that wakes up only in the examination hall and unfortunately that strange common sense says exactly opposite of what I’ve been studying and what I’ve been writing in my paper. While attempting a question I just closed my eyes, (metaphorically speaking) trusted my common sense (which seriously sucks at times) and went on with whatever I had in mind. But throughout the writing thingy I had a strange sense that something’s like not so well. Just like something pricking me from inside time to time again and again and I ignored that. When I came back home … Opened my lecture notebook … I found out that I have attempted the question entirely wrong. That was the most disappointing moment because I’ve been studying really hard for days. I was disappointed because I ignored my self first.
After that exam this word is fully stuck in my mind “INSTINCTS”. I should have trusted my instincts. I ruined my own toil just because I didn’t trust myself. Disappointing indeed.

From that day and specifically that exam I learned that

Whatever the first thing, the first instinct comes into your mind is always right.

It might not be a hard and fast rule but I have started believing that.
I don’t know instincts are voices from your heart?? … Your mind?? … Your soul?? .. Or your inner fears?? Or what??
I just can’t decide. But whatever they are they say the truth. I have started believing that

If you feel in your heart and soul that something is wrong then IT PROBABLY IS.

Okay … So in the process of trusting my instincts in my next exam I came to a point like this

I've got loads of problems.
I’ve got loads of problems.

Yes I know I’ve got a lot of problems. 🙂 In situations like this what I did was just blindly following the first thought. Ask yourself questions. That isn’t easy, because several thoughts will flood your mind at once. For instance, let’s say you’re looking at a menu. In figuring out what you want, pick out the first thing that stands out to you. Ignore the remainder of your thoughts, like for example: “But I didn’t even look at the specials” or “But my friend is on a diet and I’ll feel bad eating this in front of him” or “But my uncle said the mashed potatoes he had here were too mushy” etc. Don’t dwell on it.

The little instinctive me inside my head.
The little instinctive me inside my head.

Just pick something. It might be scary, because what if you make the wrong choice? Do not worry, you will be fine.
May be my innocent instincts get confused just because I am confused as well.
Instincts are the little voices, no matter how feeble they are.. They can still guide you or haunt you. You just gotta recognize them, differentiate them and simply trust them.
I have come to a point where trusting them is the only option I am left with but I am still not truly able it understand what they need to say, where are they leading me – nobody knows. May be they are something associated with the 6th sense or your fears??

They call it the “Gut Feeling”
Studies say that you experience a certain type of discomfort in your gut when you know a decision is wrong.
I’ve never noticed that but I’ll probably start noticing from now onwards.
A quote says:

Trust yourself, your instincts, what you believe. You know more than what you think you do.

Trust your instincts, listen to the voice inside you and trust that you’re doing the right thing.

But the question is … That if you yourself don’t trust yourself- your instincts, who on earth is gonna do it then???