Tag Archives: writing

Humans are never strong forever

Passing through many rough patches in the last entire year, blogging has been more like a distant dream to me. So today may be you can call it a warm up post or a mere trial. There have been days and days (currently the third consecutive day and many more uncountable ones) when I just opened the blog deciding to write something but ended up just scrolling through a few poems and blogs in the readers column. So today I thought may be just start over and complete at least a single previous draft.

I have been working on myself for a couple of months; my own well-being both physical as well as emotional. A few decisions, a few efforts and more focused results. I have come to realize that being strong is not about just claims. In all the turmoils that I’ve been through I have found myself as an extremely feeble and fickle-minded person. Then another perspective comes that may be the ‘strong image’, ‘the stable mind’ and the decisiveness that I associate with myself were pure deceptions maintained within my mind. Well, this isn’t the case I believe as these traits of mine were admired by others firstly when I never even knew about them at the very first place. I’ve been hearing things like ‘you are a very patient, strong individual’ and many more things regarding my mental abilities and resilience. I am glad to pen it down here that I’ve found all of these claims entirely false.

I used be extremely proud (within myself) of the fact that I bare a strong mental charisma. But well, all in vain. With immense immense gratitude, I believe that in search of attributes of mental strength what I was running behind was a mere ‘cold stone’. We as humans can never be mere vessels, hollow and empty; devoid of emotions. We can never be stones; unmoved, unharmed and unaffected by all extremities. Probably I forgot that when the earth shakes, even the toughest stones and mountains break. So yeah, the earth shook and I was the weakest stone thus, i was crushed into a million pieces. I am glad it happened. I am glad i got the much needed reality check.

I am not a vessel, for I bear feelings; love, hate, rage, lust, affection, deception, anger, jealousy and all buried inside. I am humbled and grateful that I am not what I thought of myself instead I am what He made me. I am smiling while writing this because I have silently cried many nights. I am standing here because I have been broken times again and again. I try to be humble and down because I have been shook by fate and my mistakes. I surrender to His mercy today because I have fought with him many many times. I believe in my worth today because I have spent ages and ages doubting myself. I have uplifted my morale for it has been degraded way too often. I see light in the day because i have experienced dark in the finest of lights. I am grateful (utterly grateful) today because I have been thankless all my life.

The first draft post 3 months ago
After six amendments here today.

Well, in the flow of words I have totally forsaken the draft which I was supposed to be completing and posting today. The draft was initially just two sentences written over a period of good three months. So this poor soul has been edited and postponed approximately six times and yet completed in a totally off post 😀 (A cruel writer I had been I know).

 

Right now, after three months and six revisions I am still blindfolded by the topic and the thought behind the draft. Sitting with my laptop right in front and my mug of tea residing on it I think of completing another post with the same thought and proceeding forward the draft idea. This is what I love about being here where I am; the comfort, the gratitude, the ability to write and lastly off-course, my mug of tea.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Tour Guide

Another vow.

 

Until the next time stay blessed. And lastly, here are the two poor lines (their answers are yet to be discovered. Yeah I am a lazy person and I know it 🙂 ).

How many times have I got overwhelmed by the pace of events going on with every passing day?
No counts and numbers girl

And how many times the frustration had been because of the monotony that life has to offer at times?
Can’t count again

 

 

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Mental Suffocation- Our proud Heritage

Heritage.. well..

When I first read the word and it’s association with ancient buildings and such stuff through daily post, it didn’t strike me much honestly. I couldn’t link heritage to places and moments for that particular instinct instead I had something else in mind.

The first thought that popped in my mind was what actually is my heritage?

Heritage may not be essentially a positive entity representing you or passed on to you. In my case I believe it’s mostly negative or there can be a probability that I prefer focusing on the negativity only. We (that includes me and my two younger siblings) share the view that we have inherited some psychological traits from our family tree. Well.. that includes passivism, passive-aggression, introvert-ness, submissiveness and mental suffocation. I don’t know what mental suffocation means to you but I comprehend it as a semi-deliberate act of piling things up (things you dislike) in your mind and heart until it just explodes one day. One possible reason for such traits can be that my fore-family have gone through financially as well as socially challenging times hence perpetuating such characteristics within them. Anyway, things are way better now with my maternal and paternal aunts and uncles. I remember my father telling me that back when they used to live with my grand parents, negotiation was just a matter of imagination only. There was no concept of sharing interests, experiences and advises, instead everybody was distant and busy with their own activities.

We as siblings, on the other hand, had our differences and remained distant until I was like about 17 years of age. Soon after that we started sharing things and realized that one way or the other we all possess the same level of mental suffocation passed on by our late family. Things that you think wrongly but would never expose. Passivism that takes hold of your mind and gradually darkens your heart and soul. It was then that we decided that no matter what we’ll share, we’ll negotiate and sort things out. No matter how much we fight we won’t stab each other in the back. No matter how many differences we have, we will never disclose them in front of a third person.

There are bad days, huge arguments at times but we still get through. All three of us are very different people on the outside yet concealed, difficult, enveloped and suffocated on the inside. We have bad temper, a roller coaster of mood swings and passive-aggression…. Anyhow, we still manage each other pretty well 🙂
(At least that’s what I believe and I would absolutely like to believe)

With the same thoughts mingling in my mind, I wrote this about more than a year ago.

image1
The mind speaks louder.

Never have i dealt with anyone more difficult to know than myself,
Never have i heard a sound more difficult to hear than my own,

 Before you or after you — all mere excuses,
Before you, I saw the apparent colors of realm,
After you- I learned to hear the colors within me, 
 
But never have i seen colors intermingled as those within me,
And never have i read a mind as fickle as mine may be.
 
I’ve seen people bleed,
With everything they do they bleed emotions,
And emotions taking over, with everything they do,
 
But never have i seen a heart as detached as mine,
And never have i seen a bleed more hollow than mine,
 
I’ve seen tears spill,
The eyes all wet,
And as people cry with every failed try,
 
But never have I seen an eye more dormant than mine,
And never have I heard of tears more ghostly barren than mine.
 
I know the power of words,
And the beauty that they hold within,
I know the wounds just tongue can heal,
 
But never have i seen the words more un-avid than mine,
And never have i heard a Scream more Silent than mine,
 
Never have I dealt with anyone more difficult than myself..

You’ll loose anyway

046
Loosing.. Anyway.

No matter what you do,
You’ll loose anyway,

With every attempt and everything you dreamt,
You’ll loose anyway,

In all that life has to offer; every phase, every stage,
You’ll loose anyway,

Because no matter what you do girl,
You’ll loose anyway.

 

Into the ‘Past’ as I Reflect

past
What the Mirror shows from ‘Past’.

HIM
You guys randomly start talking one day on the phone.
He compliments you & tells you that you sound pretty & cute.
He asks you about your past relationship & you ask him about his.
You then share & tell him more stories about your past & he tells you about his.

He starts flirting with you & you start flirting back.
Then he asks you for you to meet and you planned it right away.
He tells you he has fever but he would still come to meet you.
He had fever he was sick but still he stood waiting for an hour just for you.
He said he knew you’ve committed so you’ll come.

Soon talking to him becomes a part of your daily routine & you wait for him everyday to text you.
Whenever you receive something from him, you start smiling & your day instantly becomes better.
He talks to you daily asking how your day went.
You talk to him all night & he always asks if you are tired & if you want to go to bed.
The night conversations you have with him are always the best & the deepest.
You sleep when he sleeps & he sleeps when you sleep.
Now he wants to meet up & hangout with you.

When you meet up with him, you feel even more chemistry with him & you feel butterflies in your stomach every time you talk to him.
Now you tell your friends how much of an amazing guy he is & you are interested in him.
Soon he confesses that he is interested in you & you tell him we are just friends.
You like his reaction whenever you make him realize that we are just friends.
It gives you a clinge of how much he wants you.
You feel like you’re the happiest girl alive & the feeling is so strong between you guys.

You spend whole days and nights thinking of him and imagining what he would have been doing now.
He always tells you before hanging up the phone “Just take care of yourself”.
He tells you to have some rest whenever you tell him about your regular kidney pain.
And you tell him to please just stop smoking.
He says he tried and will try again.

He tells you again and again that many girls are after him.
Then hours and hours are spent listening to the stories of other girls.
You realize that he is doing that on purpose.
You get irritated but just would never show.
You thought about doing the same to him but just couldn’t.
There could not have been any other guy that you could even imagine … Except HIM.

He criticizes the nudity promoted in the films.
He says he denies to be a part of the crowd.
You consider him different and had no doubts.

You get annoyed when friends tease you by his name.
Still you smile just because it’s His name.
You never tell him how you actually feel.
You realize “Denial is another form of acceptance”
Just because you fear that you’ll loose him some day.
You start ignoring him just to escape from what you feel.
He is amused, disappointed; but just vain enough to ask.

The ignorance is breaking you from inside.
He stops putting effort into talking to you.
You think he is angry because of what you did.
He stops telling you to take care of yourself.
And responding positively when you tell him not to smoke.
You cry at nights, you’ve never felt that way.
You used to laugh at the love birds in school and see now you deserved to be laughed upon.

SavedPicture-20143191039.jpg
Benedict Smith

Your friend is sick and tired and one day what she did.
Without even telling you, she called Him and told him all.
Your phone rang that night and you did not have the courage to talk.
It rings and rings again. Yet again and again.
He would never give up.
You picked up and had no words.

He asked “Why did you do that?”
As you said “You told me we are just friends”
“No, you told me this way… I LOVE YOU”
You would reply “Me too”
He said ..”What you too?? I wanna hear you saying it all”
“I’VE LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND STILL I DO”, you had a difficult time saying that.
The night passed in thinking and you consider it one of the best nights of your life.

You talk happily for hours and you wonder how time passes when he’s around.
He tells your friend he’s afraid your family wont like him.
You just smile …. Yeah he looks cute you think.
He asked you one day “If you loved me then why you never seemed jealous when I discussed other girls?”
You would just smile and tell him you knew he had been criticizing them all long.
If he was interested then he wouldn’t have discussed them as a joke with you.
He laughs and says “You are smart”.

He suddenly stops texting you first.
When you guys talk now it’s only because you hit him up first.
He would start argumenting quite often.
It became more often these days.
Things changed & you don’t understand what unexpectedly happened.
He doesn’t show that he still wants to be with you.
He would call once in a week and just talk about sex.
You try to change the topic but he is still clinged to the same.

You are afraid of the lust in his voice.
He never seemed that needy.
You are afraid that he can do anything to get what he wants.
He shows no interest in you or your relationship.
Every time he talks its just about sex and nothing else.

You become extremely clingy & you don’t know what to do.
You can’t help wondering what went wrong.
You ask him if anything is wrong & he tells you that everything is fine.
Then you start thinking he’s mad at you for something you did,
but he assures you that you need to relax & everything’s okay. He tells you that he’s just been busy
. So you wait for a while & nothing is changing.

He’s still “busy” all the time & he doesn’t even try to talk to you.
Now every time you talk to him except sex it becomes an argument.
& you get scared that you are being annoying for hitting him up first, so you stop talking to him.
Months pass, & you don’t talk to him at all.

You never know what happened from his point of view.
Because of him, every night you’re hurt & upset.
You don’t know what went wrong in the relationship between you two.
  You miss the old person he used to be & you don’t even know what he has changed into.
He tells you not to post on his Facebook as his family would make an issue out of it.
You feel strange but its just that you trust him blindly.

One day you see that he has a new girl in his life.
He’s calling her cute names & everything he used to tell you.
He calls her baby & tells her that he thinks she’s beautiful.
He smiles and laughs while she kisses him.
He has no problem when she writes on his Facebook.
He seems completely fine without you now & he has someone else to talk & text to every day & night.
You refuse to believe that he played you, but it’s true.

You just say nothing and walk away silently.
Because “Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing is the same”
You’re still hurt &  everything you do reminds you of him.
You can’t stop thinking about him & you cry every night when your thinking about him.
You watch the sky and tell GOD that
“I have been a sinner .. Forgive me for all that I thought and all that I do”

You’ve changed it all.
You don’t consider any guy different now.
You don’t let other people govern yourself and your life.
You don’t let other people know hoe you feel.
You live your own life.
You do whatever your mind says is good for you.

“Because whatever is meant to be will happen anyways”

Weekly Photo Challenge: Reflecting

For days without you

images

All these years… and it scares me to even think,
What I would have done without you?

But as much as it scares me,
I know a thing for a fact,

All next years.. and all will be occupied,
By things I am bound to do without you.

That’s the issue,
That’s the reason,
That’s the problem,
And … that’s the cure…

The Daily Post: Panicked

You are a mirror of mine and I am a mirror of you ..

You have no idea how hard I’ve looked
for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right.
What’s the point of bringing gold to
the gold mine,
or water to the ocean.
Everything I came up with was like
taking spices to the Orient.
It’s no good giving my heart and my
soul because you already have these.
So I’ve brought you a mirror.
Look at yourself and remember me.

~ Rumi

12346538_10153803143228185_3818579904503372602_n
You are a mirror of mine and I am a mirror of you.

Breaking the Silence..

A big Hello to everyone who is reading this and for those who will read this long after this time.
Yeah breaking the long awaited silence .. It has been more than three months since I’ve written something specifically for my blog.
Somewhere in between this long period I have written some material but that is just confined to my notebook and since I was too lazy and saturated to type it and write details about it so that still remains unshared.

If-light-is-in-your-heart
-Rumi

Days have been pretty much sound and safe since this month and I am actually learning to be more considerate to myself. I am not much purpose oriented so yeah just learning and observing what I need and what suits me..
Sleeping on time ..
Eating on time..
Not skipping meals..
Having a proper breakfast..
Trying a little much to pray on time..
Not letting negative things to sneak over my mind..
And giving sound time to myself ..
This is how I define “Being Considerate to myself’. Small insignificant things but yeah these things help me a lot.

I am not good with dealing myself as well as others. So I am learning to do that these days.
Intentionally or unintentionally I’ve stepped back from complains, arguments and every other person who is fond of complaining.
Life seems pretty much peaceful without complains and arguments.

So yup .. Coming to the point ..
In between all of these things writing and writing stays somewhere at the corner of the puzzled world. I’ve been painting recently but no writing at all. Sometimes I get a feeling that I am at a total loss of words in terms of speaking and writing as well.
No stanzas..
No rhymings..
No matches..
No poems..
And even if I decide to write then it takes hours to just figure out from where should I start.
There are times like these when you look at your previous pieces and then ask yourself … Was it really me?

For me it’s like the same time these days. I am just trying and convincing myself not to let my moods take over myself. Life and dealing things can be pretty difficult for a moody person. But yup I know I’ll get it all fixed soon. 🙂

So yeah when I opened my notebook .. My previous bits and pieces .. I decided to transform right,my amusement over my previous writings into another new writing and thats how it goes.

Pieces of Myself...
Pieces of Myself…

When minds are blank and words don’t speak,
And I think for days deciding to write,

Then I sit for hours so what to write?
Doubts in heart and the mind – not so bright,

The thoughts all jumbled, tangles today,
And the pen shook it’s head in dismay,
APOLOGIES LADY!! The words are not so generous today,

Amused .. As I lingered between the past pages,
The former writings.. a few of my pieces,

Damn! Is this all a part of me?
The part that I feel scared to see,

Are these delusions that stand so tall?
OR AM I THE ONE WHO WRITES IT ALL??

Break the Silence..

As Difficult as Myself …

Enveloped and Enclosed .. Shelled .. Concealed.. Imprisoned

Enclosed .. Enveloped .. Imprisoned
Enclosed .. Enveloped .. Imprisoned

In the time that we live in, nothing can be more enclosed and enveloped than our own heart, our mind, our thoughts, our desires and ourselves.

Talking about myself as my Father sarcastically describes me ,”Concealed, shelled and Introverted”. Yeah things are like that from the beginning. And as I’ve mentioned here again and again that expressing things is something that I am really really not good at. Being like this feels good but yeah I am a hell difficult of a person to know and understand. I am hell unpredictable in terms of temper and expressions.

I’m now in Final year of my Pharmacy School and according to my fellows they still could never know much about me. They face difficulty in figuring out my expressions and  to them it was initially an unexpected thing that I do feel upset about little things which do not affect others.

Well, this uncertainty of mind and unpredictability in behavior is even alleviated in times of stress (which I am in from a couple of days), whether it be self created or just God-gifted. I do believe in self-created problems, exaggerations and stuff and I do believe that I make them too. Somebody once said it right … “Life is all just a matter of Perception”.

Yeah and there are a few things that change your perception.. the way you take things, the way you look at them, the way you interpret them and the way you think about them whether that be optimistically or pessimistically.

Imprisoned within you.
Imprisoned within you.

One way or the other we all are prisoners of our hearts and minds. Our soul was set free by the Creator but our thoughts are still captured and entrapped within ourselves. I feel this within myself. A huge mingled puzzle within my mind .. entrapped and constantly flipping between whether its “Yes” or “No”, in everything that is due and everything that is not, everything that is mandatory and everything that is not, everything that is to be valued and everything taken for granted, everything to be remembered and everything forsaken and for everything that is imposed upon me by myself.

I am my own prisoner and my own owner as I see.
I own myself but still I retaliate.
I work for myself but yet I work against my own. 

Never have i dealt with anyone more difficult to know than myself,
Never have i heard a sound more difficult to hear than my own,

 Before you or after you — all mere excuses,
Before you, I saw the apparent colors of realm,
After you- I learned to hear the colors within me, 
 
But never have i seen colors intermingled as those within me,
And never have i read a mind as fickle as mine may be.
 
I’ve seen people bleed,
With everything they do they bleed emotions,
And emotions taking over, with everything they do,
 
But never have i seen a heart as detached as mine,
And never have i seen a bleed more hollow than mine,
 
I’ve seen tears spill,
The eyes all wet,
And as people cry with every failed try,
 
But never have I seen an eye more dormant than mine,
And never have I heard of tears more ghostly barren than mine.
 
I know the power of words,
And the beauty that they hold within,
I know the wounds just tongue can heal,
 
But never have i seen the words more unavid than mine,
And never have i heard a Scream more Silent than mine,
 
Never have I dealt with anyone more difficult than myself..