Today yet again I share the same statement as I do before everything I post. Okay, so I haven’t been able to post for the past seven months blah blah blah (fill it in yourself 🙂 ). This time it wasn’t my studies, exams or mood swings (i hate to say that) so, I had been terribly ill (ground breaking/ shaking illness as I call it) for the past six months straight. A rather contagious illness actually, I’ll be discussing it in the next post this week since this post isn’t at all about that. So, no writing, sketching and painting for the past months however, a previous work that holds immense value to me would be shared here.
After several rough patches, physical and emotional breakthroughs and misery finally, I am back on my track and have started doing and enjoying things i used to do before. So presenting an eagle sketch on sketch paper. Dark charcoal on paper (cant recall the dimensions.. oops!).
This one is among the very few sketches which didn’t take much time and were made instantaneously. Moreover, with this (and many more other things) I believe that the things done and decisions made instantaneously are often more rewarding than those with long term planning. (Trying to work on it in my life as well.. lets hope so).
When I first read the word and it’s association with ancient buildings and such stuff through daily post, it didn’t strike me much honestly. I couldn’t link heritage to places and moments for that particular instinct instead I had something else in mind.
The first thought that popped in my mind was what actually is my heritage?
Heritage may not be essentially a positive entity representing you or passed on to you. In my case I believe it’s mostly negative or there can be a probability that I prefer focusing on the negativity only. We (that includes me and my two younger siblings) share the view that we have inherited some psychological traits from our family tree. Well.. that includes passivism, passive-aggression, introvert-ness, submissiveness and mental suffocation. I don’t know what mental suffocation means to you but I comprehend it as a semi-deliberate act of piling things up (things you dislike) in your mind and heart until it just explodes one day. One possible reason for such traits can be that my fore-family have gone through financially as well as socially challenging times hence perpetuating such characteristics within them. Anyway, things are way better now with my maternal and paternal aunts and uncles. I remember my father telling me that back when they used to live with my grand parents, negotiation was just a matter of imagination only. There was no concept of sharing interests, experiences and advises, instead everybody was distant and busy with their own activities.
We as siblings, on the other hand, had our differences and remained distant until I was like about 17 years of age. Soon after that we started sharing things and realized that one way or the other we all possess the same level of mental suffocation passed on by our late family. Things that you think wrongly but would never expose. Passivism that takes hold of your mind and gradually darkens your heart and soul. It was then that we decided that no matter what we’ll share, we’ll negotiate and sort things out. No matter how much we fight we won’t stab each other in the back. No matter how many differences we have, we will never disclose them in front of a third person.
There are bad days, huge arguments at times but we still get through. All three of us are very different people on the outside yet concealed, difficult, enveloped and suffocated on the inside. We have bad temper, a roller coaster of mood swings and passive-aggression…. Anyhow, we still manage each other pretty well 🙂
(At least that’s what I believe and I would absolutely like to believe)
With the same thoughts mingling in my mind, I wrote this about more than a year ago.
Never have i dealt with anyone more difficult to know than myself, Never have i heard a sound more difficult to hear than my own,
Before you or after you — all mere excuses,
Before you, I saw the apparent colors of realm,
After you- I learned to hear the colors within me,
But never have i seen colors intermingled as those within me,
And never have i read a mind as fickle as mine may be.
I’ve seen people bleed,
With everything they do they bleed emotions,
And emotions taking over, with everything they do,
But never have i seen a heart as detached as mine,
And never have i seen a bleed more hollow than mine,
I’ve seen tears spill,
The eyes all wet,
And as people cry with every failed try,
But never have I seen an eye more dormant than mine,
And never have I heard of tears more ghostly barren than mine.
I know the power of words,
And the beauty that they hold within,
I know the wounds just tongue can heal,
But never have i seen the words more un-avid than mine,
And never have i heard a Scream more Silent than mine,
Never have I dealt with anyone more difficult than myself..
I hope the letter reaches you in the best of your health and spirits. As a part of me is saying that, the other knows it ain’t true and it won’t happen anyway. After sitting for hours looking at the “New post” section I though of writing a letter to you. Just a thought crossed by that you may need it. I know for a fact that you are occupied by a strange hollow feeling and you may be too full to hear any more advises. You might be too tired of praying and repeating things which hurt you over and over again. I believe right now, you might not be in a right mood or state of mind to listen and consider over my requests.
But hey, do you remember how I were always “all ears” whenever you wanted to say something?
Do you remember your words “your writings” who stood by you whenever you were too full to express through your tongue?
Do you remember how these hands of yours were all following your mind when you wanted to write any poem anew?
Does your mind comprehend how the colors fell right in their position when you took out your brush to paint?
Yet I know you must be thinking that a few words, a few poems and a few paintings aren’t enough to describe you as a person as your apparent lean fingers are the only thing the world sees.
What would be the use of a mind full with words when what they see is only your messy curly hair above it? What would be the benefit of a tongue so subtle and quite when only what they see is the apparent face hiding it? What would be the worth of a helping heart if only what they see is the body covering it? What value exactly would a submissive soul have if what they see is the mere shortness of length on top of it? Do souls have height? Do you need to have a long-heighted soul to be more conspicuous?
Contrarily, my dear they say it doesn’t matter how people see you; the thing that matters is actually how you see yourself. Well, now you must be telling me in return that these are mere Facebook quotes meant for only delusions. But okay I agree with you my dear, okay I admit.
Now If you could just do me a favor and give me just two minutes out of your precious time. Okay I assume you agree. Close your eyes for a moment and answer bluntly what I ask.
How long will other’s opinion about you tends to last? Yes, until they are around you. Okay, a “Temporary” phase.
And now, How long will your opinion about you tend to last? Yes, until your last breath. So, we may not be wrong if we called it a “Permanent” phase.
In between both these lines my dear, is where you are standing. Move to your own zone and your own mind. Let not the eyes of others blind you and your thoughts for you know you have worked much on yourself and lived the worst of your days all by yourself. These lean hands, the short body, the fickle mind and this ambivalent heart were all which always stood by your side. Let not the words of other refrain you from feeling pride in your own possessions. For I believe what is yours is yours and even after a little scratch only you will be the one feeling pain. So, hold tight on your possessions- loyalty starts within yourself first and see how the rest feels then.
(A deliberate attempt by me to myself just to make me take care of me :D. I’ve never been a person who is fair with herself but it never bothered me the way it does now. Some mood swings and some allergies which will now have to be managed permanently. I believe I am not coping with my allergy quite well instead it is making me quite edgy as I can’t speak properly because of it. Anyhow, just started off with a random post but the end yeah now, I kinda like what I’ve written. Feeling happy about this post yeah yeah :). Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye)
I am not actually a person who plans everything according to the time and circumstances.I don’t remember even a single time when my plans went correctly or may be it didn’t even happen for once that I planned the things in the right manner and my plans worked accordingly.
Anyways I was supposed to talk about New Year’s Resolutions.
“I would say happy new year but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder. ” ― Robert Clark
It’s not only me but most of the people here have a usual habit of procrastination. Procrastination has now become more of a lifestyle than just a habit or a code.
If I was to make plans and resolutions then how would it probably end…. It would probably go day by day like this
And at the end I would end up putting things from one year to the other and finally to an eternal tomorrow.
While thinking of the reasons,I have jotted down a few points:
The first and the most obvious reason is Laziness.But that’s not the sole reason every time.
Secondly being humans we all are unaware of the future,the upcoming events,the challenges that are meant for you.May be there are more important issues and upcoming events than your resolutions.
Thirdly your priorities change with time.I hope that explains enough.
So finally a Big NO to New Year Resolutions as I don’t need any specific occasion like this in order to change myself.If a person is determined to change-to improve, he/she doesn’t need such excuses as A New Year.
I believe in Revolutions … Not just a mere Resolution throughout a Whole year. 🙂
“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. It matters that you don't just give up." - Stephen Hawking (Died March 14th 2018 on Albert Einsteins Birthday & on the same day Galileo died. R.I.P. You Will Be Missed . . . )