Tag Archives: silence

When you said “Nobody loves you”

There are a few things that I can say “I hate”, but yes I can’t say that I am not agitated by anything at all. The thing I hate the most is “disappointment”. I know that sometimes people may suffer because of how they judge people without knowing that what they’ve been through. But honestly speaking I myself have been through a lot; Life has changed from shines to rust and no matter whatever you do you just have to live with it. Being disappointed, degrading yourself would never ever solve any sort of a problem. I believe in “resilience”.

Being a keen observer, a listener and an elder sibling I often have to listen to ungrateful stuff. It’s okay I admit that I do say that but I never loose hope from my Lord. My younger sibling is immature and hence very emotional at times, often exaggerating and indulged in Self Pity. I have mentioned the whole story in a previous post “Poor Me” Syndrome… Here at my Home. After that situation I decided just not to try convincing her to anything like that.smartphowned.com_380839_1374849175

It’s okay .. Lets just think that there is a person in the whole world who claims that nobody loves him at all. Okay let I be that person, so let’s say “Nobody Loves me” ( Even if it turns out to be true but still I don’t like the very sound of complaining in this manner).

Can saying that loud make me feel any better?

Does it give me any hope? Any indication ? Any motivation?

Does that give me any positivity? Any sign how I should be?

I mean does that make more people love me? I feel that this even makes me hate myself.

This would make people pitying me and even me doing the same to myself.

That just makes me feel more and more miserable.

That would never make me realize that there might be something in me that needs to be changed. Okay I don’t mean to sound that you need to change for the world but believe me a few people are really worth it. They are worth every effort that you put in. (Although I haven’t changed that much for those who are worth it but still I am trying).

What I really meant to say was that these few words can lead any person to a phase of utmost disappointment. I believe that disappointment kills every quality and every bit of positive energy that you inhibit, whether that be your will,your strength,your dignity,your way of thinking, your way of interpreting things and your overall way of living. It blocks the room to improvement and progress. When God has made every Being equally worthy, even the little animals and birds are worthy than who the hell are you to degrade yourself like that?? ( I am sorry if it sounded more like emotional and angry but this is how I feel right now).

My younger sibling often uses this sentence: “Nobody Loves Me” and I am just left silent. Sometimes it just happens that your heart answers but still your tongue doesn’t even move. Another day my friend said the same, although I replied but as usual I  couldn’t say what I actually wanted. Sometimes it’s like you have so much to say so much to explain that you just can’t decide where to start, and after silent considerations finally you just decide not to start and say anything.

In any relation that I have, I always hate just reminding them again and again that I exist and  I am right here. I used to say this a few years back, “I don’t need such people whom I have to tell and remind again and again that see I exist. If anybody needs me they should know it right away. Otherwise I just don’t need such a relation and I don’t care whatever that relation is then.”

Now whenever I think about it that seems more like an egoistic approach. Sometimes a few people forget your existence but you still can’t let go because may be there’s your fault as well in there somewhere. Or the people are just too precious to loose. But answering such things have always been difficult — really difficult actually. I couldn’t think of anything else except just to write so I wrote this:429702637_5dfa7048d6

I wanted to be an exception; when you said nobody loves you,
Felt nothing but deception; as you said nobody loves you,

I know that words change when gloom is inside,
But sometimes few words reveal what you always hide,
I know the issues matter, No matter how small they may,
I know some people say, What they never wanted to say,

I still wanted to be an exception when you said nobody loves you.
Felt nothing but deception as you said nobody loves you.

The Sound of Silence


When I was entitled as mean …

This is probably the second time in this week when i am granted with the title of a selfish,mean,impossible,rock hard and cold hearted person.
Firstly by my mother and secondly by a dear friend.
Well the interesting part is that deep inside somewhere they know that i am not this way, and deep inside somewhere in my mind I also know that it’s all because of my reluctance in speaking.

Speaking my mind and my heart out has always been one of the most difficult and uncomfortable thing known to me.The reasons are not clear but the fact still remains there.

Moving on to the story… A week ago I had an argument with my mom, although I always try my level best not to misbehave but still i was rude. I did not talk to her after that because i knew she’s angry with me. She didn’t seem bothered by my silence but i wanted to converse with her the way we always used to.
Two days passed and i would always see her laughing and giggling with my other siblings,giving them goodbye hugs on their way to school,greeting them whenever they come back home,scolding them with humorous comments,making fun of the way they dance,the way they eat. I waited and hoped that she would notice me on one corner of the room but she didn’t.
4 days passed and we were not in talking terms with each other.
Now my thoughts started wandering here and there. I began to think
Whether my mother really needs me or not??
When she is perfect and happy with all of her other kids then what is the point of me being here??
Am i really that worthless??
She never gets angry with anybody like this,then why only me??
Nobody even tried convincing her for me??

While I was in the midst of all my exaggerations somebody from behind me patted on my shoulder.
Yes!!! It was mum.
“O mariyaah! How cold hearted can you ever be.” she exclaimed loudly “You haven’t talked to me since 4 days. I do agree that people have differences at home but does that mean that they stop talking to each other??? “

I was left with no reasons and no answers. “I could never tell you or anybody how unwanted actually I felt.. But i wish i could discern” I thought to myself since i could not tell her how i looked forward to her to show up every minute. Silence is not an ultimate righteous attribute at times but i couldn’t say a word because i knew if i try then i would start crying right away.

She leaned forward and hugged me and I did the same. The most perfect and safe place a person can ever be.

My words are loud .. As i stay quiet

My words are loud, As i stay quiet,
My heeds are bound, As i stay quiet,

I stood next to you,
For all you’ve been through,
For all you denied,
For all you couldn’t hide,
Yet my being kept aside, As i stayed quiet,
My words were loud, As i stayed quiet.

The situation still the same,
Yet the agony that you couldn’t abide,
My words stuck in my throat,
As you are not habitual of my voice,
My words were feeble,
And your eyes,couldn’t devise,

My perception skeptical,my love undefined,
My silence irrational,my intensions unkind,
My heeds are bound as i stay quiet,
My words were loud, As i stay quiet.

Still you would never get my words,
As i stay quiet, As i stay quiet.