Passing through many rough patches in the last entire year, blogging has been more like a distant dream to me. So today may be you can call it a warm up post or a mere trial. There have been days and days (currently the third consecutive day and many more uncountable ones) when I just opened the blog deciding to write something but ended up just scrolling through a few poems and blogs in the readers column. So today I thought may be just start over and complete at least a single previous draft.
I have been working on myself for a couple of months; my own well-being both physical as well as emotional. A few decisions, a few efforts and more focused results. I have come to realize that being strong is not about just claims. In all the turmoils that I’ve been through I have found myself as an extremely feeble and fickle-minded person. Then another perspective comes that may be the ‘strong image’, ‘the stable mind’ and the decisiveness that I associate with myself were pure deceptions maintained within my mind. Well, this isn’t the case I believe as these traits of mine were admired by others firstly when I never even knew about them at the very first place. I’ve been hearing things like ‘you are a very patient, strong individual’ and many more things regarding my mental abilities and resilience. I am glad to pen it down here that I’ve found all of these claims entirely false.
I used be extremely proud (within myself) of the fact that I bare a strong mental charisma. But well, all in vain. With immense immense gratitude, I believe that in search of attributes of mental strength what I was running behind was a mere ‘cold stone’. We as humans can never be mere vessels, hollow and empty; devoid of emotions. We can never be stones; unmoved, unharmed and unaffected by all extremities. Probably I forgot that when the earth shakes, even the toughest stones and mountains break. So yeah, the earth shook and I was the weakest stone thus, i was crushed into a million pieces. I am glad it happened. I am glad i got the much needed reality check.
I am not a vessel, for I bear feelings; love, hate, rage, lust, affection, deception, anger, jealousy and all buried inside. I am humbled and grateful that I am not what I thought of myself instead I am what He made me. I am smiling while writing this because I have silently cried many nights. I am standing here because I have been broken times again and again. I try to be humble and down because I have been shook by fate and my mistakes. I surrender to His mercy today because I have fought with him many many times. I believe in my worth today because I have spent ages and ages doubting myself. I have uplifted my morale for it has been degraded way too often. I see light in the day because i have experienced dark in the finest of lights. I am grateful (utterly grateful) today because I have been thankless all my life.
Well, in the flow of words I have totally forsaken the draft which I was supposed to be completing and posting today. The draft was initially just two sentences written over a period of good three months. So this poor soul has been edited and postponed approximately six times and yet completed in a totally off post 😀 (A cruel writer I had been I know).
Right now, after three months and six revisions I am still blindfolded by the topic and the thought behind the draft. Sitting with my laptop right in front and my mug of tea residing on it I think of completing another post with the same thought and proceeding forward the draft idea. This is what I love about being here where I am; the comfort, the gratitude, the ability to write and lastly off-course, my mug of tea.
Until the next time stay blessed. And lastly, here are the two poor lines (their answers are yet to be discovered. Yeah I am a lazy person and I know it 🙂 ).
How many times have I got overwhelmed by the pace of events going on with every passing day?
No counts and numbers girl
And how many times the frustration had been because of the monotony that life has to offer at times?
Can’t count again