When I think about myself… Me as a person. I am not overwhelmed by the feeling that I am someone who’s extraordinary, someone who is on top of everyone and everything.
I think of myself as an ordinary person. An ordinary person who is not a part of the crowd but still ordinary in her own special way.
The ordinary people that you see along your way out home, I am one among them.
I am short yeah I mean just 5 feet. I am lean yeah just approximately 40kg, whenever I stand on the weighing machine the stupid pointer is just stuck on 39..39.2…39.5..but not more than that. I stand there putting all my weight on my feet hoping that somehow the pointer will strike 40 but nooo it doesn’t. So let’s just say I am 39.5 kgs and being a girl I don’t mind disclosing my weight. I have black curly hair which kind of piss me off at times. I have big eyes and I rub them a lot, no matter how much I try not to do that again I always end up doing the same. If not at day time I do that unintentionally while sleeping. The doctors say it’s kinda dangerous but tch I can’t help. I have a nut head which hurts all the time, yup the frequent headaches. I have a nose that works only when I have flu, and yes never forgetting the two ears that only hear things when I am in the midst of my beauty sleep to offer maximal disturbance and waking me up at the end. I have 29.25 teeth.. Yeah I mean it seriously I just counted them now, not by looking in the mirror although I felt like doing that but still. The 28 normal teeth plus one half wisdom tooth at the upper left one half at the lower right, a quarter at upper right and just a thorn like tooth thing at the lower left .. It hurts and just pricks my gums again and again especially when I am about to eat something I like.
Anyways … The thing that makes me me … May be its the simplicity and honesty that I thrive for. I am honest with myself but yeah I can be brutally honest at times. This specific poem that I wrote about months before, I believe it’s a complete depiction of me as a person and my little life and preferences.
Of all my life that I have, A page to write, a friend by my side, A simple self, an empty pride.
I make rules and by them I abide, When they become harsh; by my pen I hide.
I don’t dream the way girls do, I throw them all with every morn, For I don’t dream what I can’t fathom, As I don’t play and I don’t betray.
Yet with open eyes I may have a dream. Yes I have a dream .. Yes! I have a dream, For I would have till the end of this life, AN HONEST SELF ….. A SIMPLE LIFE .
Throughout everybody’s life there are a few things which you learn. A few experiences that you gain and a points where you loose. There are times when arguments mean a lot to you and speaking more eventually means wining an argument. And there are other times when you prefer staying quite with all your reasons and all the chances for clarifications.
Who else can be a better teacher than Life itself?
In my life there were points when words didn’t matter and so I stayed quite. On the other hand there were points when words were the requisite but I still stayed quite. Times when I preferred baseless arguments as staying quite for such a long time is not easy, But there were days when I just left the logical necessary arguments because a speaking it all is not easy as well (At least for a person like me it seriously isn’t) .
There were times when I stood patient and suffered for issues that mattered. And there were mtimes when I refused to tolerate and just burst out in anger. There were times when I loved and simply refused to leave, But there was also a time when I just let that go although I loved endlessly. At times I stood up although I was wrong but there were times when I left although I was right.There were times when I couldn’t stand up and at times I claimed that “I believe in resilience”.
They say Change is a constant process, humans do change with time. Or may be that’s what we call “Adaptation”. So from all the things that I’ve been through and from all those arguments that I lost or left .. There are a few things that I’ve learned.
Patience – Yes I can loudly say that I am very patient. Patience within yourself and patience with others. Argumentation – It has been over a few months that I’ve stopped arguments. I’ve started moving away after the initiation of every argument because if you’ll stay you probably won’t resist replying. Or if an argument is necessary, it should only be for the sake of persuation. Listen to understand – Mostly we are in a habit of listening to somebody just for the sake of giving a reply, but not for the sake of understanding. I listen to understand but after that the problem remains that I can’t give an appropriate reply, may be I am not good with conversing that’s why. Humor – Adding a sense of humor in everything makes it more acceptable and it makes things easier to explain and bear. I use it as a tool to hide what I feel from others and to escape from what I feel.
The Echoes – The life is just an echo of what you say and what you do.
I read a short story sort of thing about it which I would love to share here
A son and his father were walking on the mountains.
Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: “aaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!”
To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: “aaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!’
Curious, he yells: “Who are you?”
He receives the answer: “Who are you?”
Angered at the response, he screams: “Coward!’
He receives the answer: coward!”
He looks to his father and asks: “What’s going on?”
The father smiles and says: “My son, pay attention.”
And then he screams to the mountain: “I admire you!”
The voice answers“I admire you!”
Again the man screams: “You are a champion!”
The voice answers: “You are a champion!”
The boy is surprised, but does not understand.
Then the father explains:
“People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.
It gives you back everything you say or do. Our life is simply a reflection of our actions. If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart. If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.
This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life, Life will give you back everything you have given to it.
P.S. Do not say whatever we dislike about other people, cause it will reflect back to us.
Initially about six to seven years ago when I started to write I never wanted anybody to read whatever I wrote. I had a sense of embarrassment whenever I tried to read something I wrote, May be because I was very static and rational on the outside yet inside I had a sea of emotions. At a home where you live with four other naughty siblings of yours it’s just not too easy to maintain and keep everything you write in a secret diary Slowly I progressed and started showing my writings to my Best Friend and still whatever I write the first person whose compliment and every word really matters is her. I’ve loved her endlessly and I’ll always continue doing so… Now I am completely comfortable sharing them on WordPress and sending them to a few selective people.
The thing I hated about Poetry is that you have to open up your heart in front of everyone. People can actually predict and judge what you are going through and not everybody can understand. That’s the only thing that refrained me from sharing my writings in the past and still it does, As I seem more like a reserved, rational, composed and emotionally stable person ( Although on the inside sometimes I am not). I like staying that way.
A few months ago when I wrote this poem (I would have never let you cry) and showed it to a friend. He appreciated me and asked me to write something specifically just for him. When I requested him to suggest a topic or a starting line, He said “Since the day I met you, It feels like you complete the missing me”, This line seemed beautiful and I started thinking of the next line that I am gonna write “Never devised;never imagined, how different a man can ever be“. My friend claimed that he liked it but you know sometimes it becomes quite difficult to believe a person who gives compliments for formality because you never know when they really mean it and when they are just being nice and formal.
Anyways, continuing a poem with these two lines was quite hard chiefly because I am not habitual of writing on topics,Since I didn’t write the first line so continuing in fluency was not easy and mainly because I don’t believe what I said. I never believed that any man could be different or reliable or protective (except my Dad). Whenever I thought about continuing the poem I was always overwhelmed by the thought that I don’t mean whatever I wrote. I always write whatever I feel but this time? … I don’t claim that I don’t lie but at least I have never lied in any of my writings. Finally I decided to write something which would not comprise of any details on how different is he? and what makes me think that he is different.This picture reminds me of the creativity that I’ve mentioned in my poem. I knew that he actually wanted to know how I think but still I ended up writing something which won’t tell him that. The poem goes like this
Once I stood and gazed the wilted leaves of autumn,
Felt apart, weakened and blown to the fathom,
Silent themselves, but yet a rustling sound,
Tinges of gloom, As they were actually meant for the ground.
There I stood and tasted the tint of springs, The shades of leaves, bound to their wings, I gazed and gazed the finest leaf that shines, And wondered whose smile this shine reminds, It smiled ; I smiled … We smiled.
I sensed the satisfaction in it’s smile, The shades of the weather, filled it with pride, I smiled wondering again as i sighed, It sensed the completeness in my smile, So watched and asked the reason behind, I winked and smiled, as i replied:
“Since I met him it feels like he completes the missing me, As I never devised; never imagined, how different a man can ever be.”
As usual I showed it to my best friend and she loved it. She always loves whatever I write. Half of the reason can be that she loves me and she actually knows why and for what I write. When I showed it to my Friend for whom it was written he said it’s great. But yet the same thing, I sensed in his tone that he was just being nice. He didn’t quite like it and asked, “Where am I in your poem??”, I always knew that he wanted me to write in his appreciation but I never thought he would ask that. I just tried to joke around “It’s all about me and autumn and the beautiful spring and leaves”.”But where am I??” as he asked I committed to write another one because he didn’t like this one. He didn’t say that either but I know he was not quite satisfied.
Now writing it all again was another big deal for me. That simply meant I had to elaborate the point that why do I consider him different when I actually don’t.When I started thinking my mind I found that half of me believes him this way and half of me doesn’t. As I discussed it with my best Friend she said I can probably use these mingled thoughts beautifully. I knew that if I write it in this way my Friend is not gonna like it. I knew he wanted something sweet,something special,something that I wont say otherwise and I felt deprived of it all. I know he has always been sweet,kind but yet so silent that one would always suspect that I am imposing myself on him. I know I seem like a paranoid when I say that believing men is hard for me but I’ve seen that how far a man can go for his needs and wishes, and that is the biggest wall which makes me stay away from trusting them. I know he would not like me for saying these words as he has always been careful while speaking whereas I am the exact opposite. Expressing myself was always and always very difficult and with formal people it becomes even more than that. I am abrupt and I know that there are things that I utter and he doesn’t like.The same goes right now, I know that the second poem on the same topic will also not be liked by him. Yet I still write it because I wanted to and I am not gonna show it to him (A tiny mini Secret). It’s all about what he says and how I partly believe it and partly don’t.
Since the day I met you it feels like you complete the missing me,
Never devised; never imagined how different a man can be,
A part of me just says that aloud, A part of me simply refuses with it’s doubts, “Not everybody is the same”, that’s what you say, I listened and thought that one day I may, But it would take ages to admit and see, As I’ve seen the worst that a man can ever be.
“A man stays a man”, that’s what I say, “Nature never changes”, that’s how I say, A part of me just says its true, Other part says the exception is you, “Exceptions always exist”, that’s what you say, I fear believing them would make me pay.
Since the day I saw you I knew we were different, With your heart beating for every girl that passed, And I smiling aside, knowing that it won’t last, Chidship; sweetness, that’s what I say, A ration for your heart, that’s how I say.
You had your own distances, I had my own differences, You chose to be rational where I stood insane, Where you stood accomplished, I was all in vain, A part of me says love binds by it’s ways, A part of me just laughs, laughs and strays.
You say “That’s not it, some men do change”, It may seem strange — But yet who would change?
“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. It matters that you don't just give up." - Stephen Hawking (Died March 14th 2018 on Albert Einsteins Birthday & on the same day Galileo died. R.I.P. You Will Be Missed . . . )