Tag Archives: Insight

Mental Suffocation- Our proud Heritage

Heritage.. well..

When I first read the word and it’s association with ancient buildings and such stuff through daily post, it didn’t strike me much honestly. I couldn’t link heritage to places and moments for that particular instinct instead I had something else in mind.

The first thought that popped in my mind was what actually is my heritage?

Heritage may not be essentially a positive entity representing you or passed on to you. In my case I believe it’s mostly negative or there can be a probability that I prefer focusing on the negativity only. We (that includes me and my two younger siblings) share the view that we have inherited some psychological traits from our family tree. Well.. that includes passivism, passive-aggression, introvert-ness, submissiveness and mental suffocation. I don’t know what mental suffocation means to you but I comprehend it as a semi-deliberate act of piling things up (things you dislike) in your mind and heart until it just explodes one day. One possible reason for such traits can be that my fore-family have gone through financially as well as socially challenging times hence perpetuating such characteristics within them. Anyway, things are way better now with my maternal and paternal aunts and uncles. I remember my father telling me that back when they used to live with my grand parents, negotiation was just a matter of imagination only. There was no concept of sharing interests, experiences and advises, instead everybody was distant and busy with their own activities.

We as siblings, on the other hand, had our differences and remained distant until I was like about 17 years of age. Soon after that we started sharing things and realized that one way or the other we all possess the same level of mental suffocation passed on by our late family. Things that you think wrongly but would never expose. Passivism that takes hold of your mind and gradually darkens your heart and soul. It was then that we decided that no matter what we’ll share, we’ll negotiate and sort things out. No matter how much we fight we won’t stab each other in the back. No matter how many differences we have, we will never disclose them in front of a third person.

There are bad days, huge arguments at times but we still get through. All three of us are very different people on the outside yet concealed, difficult, enveloped and suffocated on the inside. We have bad temper, a roller coaster of mood swings and passive-aggression…. Anyhow, we still manage each other pretty well 🙂
(At least that’s what I believe and I would absolutely like to believe)

With the same thoughts mingling in my mind, I wrote this about more than a year ago.

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The mind speaks louder.

Never have i dealt with anyone more difficult to know than myself,
Never have i heard a sound more difficult to hear than my own,

 Before you or after you — all mere excuses,
Before you, I saw the apparent colors of realm,
After you- I learned to hear the colors within me, 
 
But never have i seen colors intermingled as those within me,
And never have i read a mind as fickle as mine may be.
 
I’ve seen people bleed,
With everything they do they bleed emotions,
And emotions taking over, with everything they do,
 
But never have i seen a heart as detached as mine,
And never have i seen a bleed more hollow than mine,
 
I’ve seen tears spill,
The eyes all wet,
And as people cry with every failed try,
 
But never have I seen an eye more dormant than mine,
And never have I heard of tears more ghostly barren than mine.
 
I know the power of words,
And the beauty that they hold within,
I know the wounds just tongue can heal,
 
But never have i seen the words more un-avid than mine,
And never have i heard a Scream more Silent than mine,
 
Never have I dealt with anyone more difficult than myself..
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From “Mariyaah”

Heya,
Hola,

I hope the letter reaches you in the best of your health and spirits. As a part of me is saying that, the other knows it ain’t true and it won’t happen anyway. After sitting for hours looking at the “New post” section I though of writing a letter to you. Just a thought crossed by that you may need it. I know for a fact that you are occupied by a strange hollow feeling and you may be too full to hear any more advises. You might be too tired of praying and repeating things which hurt you over and over again. I believe right now, you might not be in a right mood or state of mind to listen and consider over my requests.

But hey, do you remember how I were always “all ears” whenever you wanted to say something? 

Do you remember your words “your writings” who stood by you whenever you were too full to express through your tongue?

Do you remember how these hands of yours were all following your mind when you wanted to write any poem anew?

Does your mind comprehend how the colors fell right in their position when you took out your brush to paint?

Did you concede how your mind helped you open ways to your heart when you wrote “Am I a Hesitant Poet”?

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You are the beauty of nature.

Yet I know you must be thinking that a few words, a few poems and a few paintings aren’t enough to describe you as a person as your apparent lean fingers are the only thing the world sees.

What would be the use of a mind full with words when what they see is only your messy curly hair above it?
What would be the benefit of a tongue so subtle and quite when only what they see is the apparent face hiding it? 
What would be the worth of a helping heart if only what they see is the body covering it? What value exactly would a submissive soul have if what they see is the mere shortness of length on top of it?
Do souls have height?
Do you need to have a long-heighted soul to be more conspicuous?

……

Contrarily, my dear they say it doesn’t matter how people see you; the thing that matters is actually how you see yourself. Well, now you must be telling me in return that these are mere Facebook quotes meant for only delusions. But okay I agree with you my dear, okay I admit.

Now If you could just do me a favor and give me just two minutes out of your precious time. Okay I assume you agree. Close your eyes for a moment and answer bluntly what I ask.

How long will other’s opinion about you tends to last?
Yes, until they are around you.
Okay, a “Temporary” phase.

And now, How long will your opinion about you tend to last?
Yes, until your last breath.
So, we may not be wrong if we called it a “Permanent” phase.

In between both these lines my dear, is where you are standing. Move to your own zone and your own mind. Let not the eyes of others blind you and your thoughts for you know you have worked much on yourself and lived the worst of your days all by yourself. These lean hands, the short body, the fickle mind and this ambivalent heart were all which always stood by your side. Let not the words of other refrain you from feeling pride in your own possessions. For I believe what is yours is yours and even after a little scratch only you will be the one feeling pain. So, hold tight on your possessions- loyalty starts within yourself first and see how the rest feels then.

Regards,
Mariyaah.

(A deliberate attempt by me to myself just to make me take care of me :D. I’ve never been a person who is fair with herself but it never bothered me the way it does now. Some mood swings and some allergies which will now have to be managed permanently. I believe I am not coping with my allergy quite well instead it is making me quite edgy as I can’t speak properly because of it. Anyhow, just started off with a random post but the end yeah now, I kinda like what I’ve written. Feeling happy about this post yeah yeah :). Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye)

Daily Post: Temporary

A Land which says …..”GLOOM IS BANNED”

Expectations, dreams and wishes are associated with the existence of human life. The heart of every individual is loaded with them. The extent may be different, the intensity may be different but yet they exist and they hold immense importance in everybodys’ lives. Normally I don’t consider myself as a Dreamy Girl but yet being a human I can’t deny that I don’t have dreams and wishes. Choosing only three from them (as the Daily Prompt said) is quite difficult. Still I have to

  • I wished we lived in a land of peace, a land where no evil no misery and no darkness could ever touch us. I wish my parents, my siblings and all my friends lived there. I wish there was a land where TEARS ARE FORBIDDEN and where disappointment and Self pity finds no place. I wish to see every loved one satisfied as they pass the glowing sea. I wish the land would speak for itself and says every night that GLOOM is banned. I wish I was the owner of that Land. I wish I were the one to make their eyes again so I would have Never let them Cry.land
  • I wish one night the Fears and Nightmares would come to me, To apologize for how ruthless they had been. To tell me how much strength I had shown and how their pinches I had blown. I wish that after that they would never come again for all the desires that they are never gonna gain. I wish my soul to be free of them all, I wish resilience, to fly every time after I fall.we-are-having-a-problem-with-our-commenting-system-we-apologize
  • I wish I could make my life simple, As simple as it could be, As simple as an extrovert can see (So I would rename my blog as “SO SIMPLE”). I wish to be able to see simple things as they are. I don’t want an insight I don’t want to flee. I just want to say things the way they be.complicate