The Twisted Sub-tales- Life with Tuberculosis

So yeah.. every post has to be regarding this tyrant. Not necessarily, but its just that my Archaic mind is guilty by being  occupied by it all the time so eventually, it comes up in everything I write.

Life had been pretty much jumbled after the initial hospitalization followed by my Tuberculosis diagnosis. If I write very honestly, there has been no definite feeling that I can write about. A jumbled puzzle, a twisted road inculcating different ambiguities and different viewpoints on each and every turn.

Few days were marked by gratitude- immense gratitude that I have been diagnosed and am getting treated by famous facilities only few people can afford. On the other hand the other few days consisted of agitation over my late diagnosis and inability to breath, sleep, eat and perform my daily activities.

I have always been a lover of nature through out my life. The hospital had a garden outside my ward which had adequate sitting space for the patients and their attendants. I won’t say the garden was beautifully managed but yeah it certainly was refreshing (although I never considered it to be one) with plantations arranged around rings. I could never truly relax and enjoy there. At that point of my life, naturally completely failed to mesmerize me and that is among the few incidents that I consider, ‘drawbacks of any disease’.

I soon learned that in order to enjoy nature or anything to its fullest, you need to have your peace of mind and heart first. If you are not at peace, nothing will ever be able to mesmerize you. No matter how blessed you are, you will not be able to fully cherish it.

The view from Pulmonology Department where I reside

One fine day, I decided to leave all these blues and the general restlessness that I had. I soothed myself by uttering these words again and again 

“You can do it Mariyaah, you can”

Knowing the fact, that its actually not in your hands to ignore that you can’t breath properly with a resting heartbeat of 140. But still, the mind has it’s own games I believe. I lurked slowly towards the garden, ignoring the random people staring at me because of the way I was walking. The guard slowly turned his face towards me and inquired;

“Why actually are you admitted? What exactly is your health issue?”

I had been reluctant enough to disclose that I had Tuberculosis. By then, I had accepted my disease to the fullest but it was mainly social stigma that refrained me from disclosing it that openly. I gulped and slowly responded;

“I have a problem with my vocal cords”

It was partially correct and I gave my guilt a satisfactory dose by telling myself that I did not tell a lie. Moreover, since I could not speak properly at that time so it was quite believable. 
And besides, after living in isolation unit for over two weeks and the first considerate human interaction in days. The guard turning his face and telling others to stay away from me as I have a contagious disease, was practically the last thing that I would ever want to experience. Thus, I decided to hide it anyhow.

When I reached the garden there were some pretty cone like things lying on the ground. They probably fell off the tree so I started collecting them. I don’t actually know what are they and what do we call them. If any of my reader knows it kindly let me know 🙂

 

Collecting them all.

 

Sooner, I realized that collecting flowers, branches, leaves and all fragments of nature is not the same as it used to be before. The feeling of being empty-handed never truly left me and no matter whatever I did I could never be genuinely happy.

I remember feeling grateful previously for each and every twig that grew different but this time no twig, no flower, and no leaf could do that.

When your heart is at monotony, no outer change truly feels like a change

Gathering them all, I placed them in my hospital drawer and literally forgot about them. Beauty is often forsaken in the realm of medicines and blood. At the end I would just like to add that;

Health is the most unpredictable thing in your life. When you have it you feel like you’ll never encounter illness. Whereas when you loose it you are overwhelmed by the feeling that you’ll never be healthy again. And it’s only through illness that you learn to value every little gift of God.

Indeed it is a blessing to be able to cherish every inch of life.