There are a few rare days in my life when I think about myself because normally i DON’T. These times are mostly after midnights or a lil before the sunrise when like always I am trying my level best to sleep but just can’t. May be I have insomnia but the culprits are the “Thoughts” that come all the way unwanted and uninvited.
Anyways this is all what I think of myself, combined and composed in something which you can call a poem.
I am not an Elegant Person, I am not a Pearl from inside,
I am not a door to Heavens, I am not a fate’s betrayal, I am not a spring’s affection, I am all the Leap days that didn’t happen.
I am the tongue; swollen from being too mute, The ears; numbed by too much silence, The Doors unhinged, by too much hiding, A silent prayer that somebody once whispered.
I am not an Elegant Person, Yet I am NOT what happened to me, I AM WHAT I CHOOSE TO BE….
Since Today is World’s Poetry Day so I decided to post something relevant. It has been a long time since I’ve written something so just posting a previously written thing.
Sometimes it happens to me that while writing I just go with the flow and after I am done with it and when I read it again I feel like … OMG!! That was deep. I feel the same about this particular poem that I wrote about a month ago.
Since the day I met you it feels like you complete the missing me, Never devised; never imagined how different a man can be,
A part of me just says that aloud, A part of me simply refuses with it’s doubts, “Not everybody is the same”, that’s what you say, I listened and thought that one day I may, But it would take ages to admit and see, As I’ve seen the worst that a man can ever be.
“A man stays a man”, that’s what I say, “Nature never changes”, that’s how I say, A part of me just says its true, Other part says the exception is you, “Exceptions always exist”, that’s what you say, I fear believing them would make me pay.
Since the day I saw you I knew we were different, With your heart beating for every girl that passed, And I smiling aside, knowing that it won’t last, Chidship; sweetness, that’s what I say, A ration for your heart, that’s how I say.
You had your own distances, I had my own differences, You chose to be rational where I stood insane, Where you stood accomplished, I was all in vain, A part of me says love binds by it’s ways, A part of me just laughs, laughs and strays.
You say “That’s not it, some men do change”, It may seem strange — But yet who would change???
Never blame your parents for something they didn’t give you. It was probably something they themselves didn’t have.
And today I read this
“Remember, If you are criticizing, you are not being grateful. If you are blaming, you are not being grateful. If you are complaining, you are not being grateful.”
Complaining was never a part of my nature. I am not so loud to do that. But yes I have been blaming since long time. And most of all I have been criticizing deep down in my heart.
Parent’s Love for their kids is not something associated with humans only. And so is the case with a Kids’ Love for his parents.
Kids admire and Love their parents in special secret ways. Some kids are capable of showing that while some are not. Even the most ungrateful kids are the ones which have the deepest love for their parents. The act of rushing into a mothers’ lap, mimicking whatever his father says, teasing mommy deliberately, making funny little faces to make mommy smile, sitting on the daddy’s back and considering ones’ self as a mighty horse rider…. Kids have their own strange ways. Like my parents could never have imagined that I can write something for them.
And like I said before, the Love is not only confined to just humans.
The baby Lamb walks comfortably on the Mother’s back.
The Angry Mommy … Never spares anyone.
A squirrel mother adopting an abandoned baby squirrel.
The Mommy and the Daddy … The kids are too small to be left alone.
Look What Daddy’s got for you.
The Mother brings yummy food while the daddy makes them rest.
The Little cuddly Chick finds satisfaction with its Mommy.
I can stand here for the whole day.
Wanna go for a ride??Your presence is a blessing. A special thanks for everything you’ve given me.
Who else can hide me better than my mum??
And Lastly, a click from the famous movie “The Happy Feet 2“.
When I read about the Photo challenge for this week the first person that came into my mind was my maternal uncle. He is very jolly and a happy go lucky sort of person. When we were kids and even now he has a habit of kidding around, teasing, pinching everybody and then escaping right away. Nobody even minds that because they know it’s just how he is.
When I was a kid and even now I am very skinny and short (yeah.. I mean just 5 feet .. That makes it very short actually). I can’t say I was like this since the very early ages but now its just that I am ignorant in my diet blah blah or whatever you call it. Due to this I was(and still am) called by many names such as “Skeleton”, “Honey bee”, “Wrestler” and many others.
On that particular day my uncle was leaving for his training sessions out of town while I insisted him to stay or else take me as well. He agreed and told me that I am so tiny that I can even fit into one of his luggage bags.
Then he held me up and really placed me into one of his luggage bags and finally hanged it at his back and started walking while the others saw me and laughed at his idea and how comfortable I seemed fully enclosed in his bag with my face protruding out. Some how it all ended and since I was only of 4-5years at that time so I didn’t even feel embarrassed. In fact I don’t remember it fully, this was all what my elders told me about it. Nobody could take a picture of that moment since photography was not that much into fashion 15 years ago.
After that time till I was 20( and even now sometimes) my uncle teases me by saying
“Ooo this is the same old kiddo.. I used to put this kid in my luggage bag behind my back”
Since 15 years have passed after that incident and now my uncle has a lovely little daughter of the same age as I was at that time, I decided to put her in my school bag and take her picture to show it to him. So that now when he teases me I will also have something to strike him back. 🙂 I made her sit in my lap and tried placing her in my school bag but eventually she started crying. I dropped my idea as she is too innocent, adorable and way too lovely to be teased like this.
Plus I absolutely love the way she smiles. This picture was taken when she was just about to sleep and the camera flash stuck her eyes.
1. Freedom loving
Freedom is important to you – nothing is worse than when you feel tied down. You may find you move jobs or location frequently because the idea of staying in one place too long unnerves you. The same can apply to relationships! People see you as fun loving, and you are. You attempt to enjoy life to the full, in accordance with the motto: “You only live once.” You tend to attract less energetic people as friends or partners, like moths to a flame, they see you as the light. Careful they don’t drain you! You are very curious and open about everything new and thrive on change. Quite simply, you are a breath of fresh air.
2. Independent and unconventional
Your lifestyle is highly individualistic. You do not follow the crowd, on the contrary, you seek to live according to your own ideas and convictions, even if this means swimming against the tide. You need a free and unattached life that allows you to determine your own course. You have an artistic bent in your work or leisure activities. Your urge for freedom sometimes causes you to do exactly the opposite of what is expected of you. You are rather unique, so don’t bother comparing yourself to anyone else. Live life your way.
3. Sensitive and reflective
You are comfortable spending hours alone with your thoughts and rarely become bored. You dislike superficiality; you’d rather be alone than have to suffer through small talk. Your relationships with your friends are very strong, which gives you the inner tranquillity and harmony that you require. You love deeply but if someone betrays you it is next to impossible to forgive. You are an old soul, someone who has lived many times before and has seen it all. All you crave now is simplicity and the chance to focus your attention on a meaningful existence.
4. Down to earth and charming
You have a natural authentic charm, what you see is what you get. People admire you because you seem so ‘together’. You have both feet planted firmly on the ground and they can depend on you. While others complicate their life with ifs and buts, you know your own mind. You provide security and space to those close to you. You are a rock, and although others may not tell you, you are the sun around which they revolve. You dislike superficiality and tend to be skeptical toward the whims of trends. Where others crash and burn, you motor on, quietly achieving all you need to do. You are a woman (or man) of substance.
5. Professional and self-assured
You take charge of your life, and place less faith in your luck and more in your own actions. You solve problems in a practical, uncomplicated manner. You take a realistic view of things in your daily life and tackle them without fuss. You are given responsibility at work, because people know that you can be depended upon. You project self-assurance to others. You are a born leader and organiser. Although you work well in a team, ideally you should be the one giving the orders. After all, you are usually right!
6. Peaceful and timeless
You are easy-going yet discreet. There is a timeless elegance about you (think Audrey Hepburn). You make friends effortlessly, yet enjoy your privacy and independence. You like to get away from it all and be alone from time to time to contemplate the meaning of life. You need space, so you escape to hideaways, but you are not a loner. You are at peace with yourself and the world, and you appreciate life and what this world has to offer. You have a strong life purpose and when you discover it, you project your personal brand of magic on the world.
7. Cultured and classical
Cultured and sophisticated you value the things money can’t necessarily buy – good conversation, original ideas, music and the arts. You have a fair mind and can see both sides of an argument. You rarely let emotions get the better of you, preferring to assess situations rationally. Calm, logical and yet compassionate and kind. You have ‘old-fashioned’ principles, which at heart make you a real lady (or gentleman). A timeless, vintage classic – the sort of person everyone secretly admires and likes to copy.
8. Sensitive and spiritual
You are a highly sensitive and spiritual person. You refuse to see life only from a rational view point. You have great intuition and trust your feelings. You must have dreams to aspire towards or you won’t feel happy. You like to improve yourself, and in so doing make a difference in the world – even if only in little ways. You find it hard to understand people who are only guided rationality. You form true relationships with open souls, people who know there is more to life than we can touch, see or hear. Your psychic sense is highly evolved, trust it and work with it.
9. Dynamic and sparkly
You are a mover and a shaker! You are willing to take risks in return for interesting and varied work. Routine tends to have a paralyzing effect on you. Being stuck behind a desk 9-5 would destroy your soul and enthusiasm for life. You need to be given the chance to express your ideas and put them into action. You have a rainbow personality, and can cheer others up, even on the gloomiest of days. If you ever feel you have lost your sparkle it is because the situation you find yourself in is not right for you. Follow your enthusiasm, even if it means you chop and change for years. The journey is as important as the destination.
It is a chronic pain condition most often affecting one of the limbs. CRPS is believed to be caused by damage to, or malfunction of, the peripheral and central nervous systems.Doctors aren’t sure what causes some individuals to develop CRPS while others with similar trauma do not. In more than 90 percent of cases, the condition is triggered by a clear history of trauma or injury. The most common triggers are fractures, sprains/strains, soft tissue injury (such as burns, cuts, or bruises), limb immobilization (such as being in a cast), or surgical or medical procedures (such as needlestick).
Symptoms: Burning, flushing, blanching, sweating, swelling, pain,thickened skin and contracture with persistent pain, loss of motion and function of the involved hand or foot with contracture (flexed scarring process), and thinning of the fatty layers under the skin. X-ray can show significant osteoporosis.
Treatment: It can be treated by psychotherapy, medications and several other treatments but causes severe pain.
Though this pain doesn’t want to go away
It’s something we deal with each and every day
It’s a battle, Such A Fight But we must stay strong There’s still A purpose’ meaning in your life Don’t forget to hold on tight
You can Encourage others To keep up the fight Remind them that after the darkness Comes the light And with Hope and Faith We can still shine Bright There’s still Family and Friends
If you know or not So keep on Fighting and Remember after the Darkness Still Comes The Light Suffer As I do, I don’t Understand But’ I know in my heart God has a plan
For he made me who I am And all the pain I Endure I Pray He Saves Me’ My Family And All of my friends and forgives us All of Our Sins
He has changed me to Love and Understand with all of my prayers I know He has A Plan’ For He suffered on the Cross for all of our Sins So I know there’s A reason for everything in the End Suffer As I Do’ I may not understand But I just keep holding on tight
Say A Prayer every night cause I know in my Heart God has A Plan He helps Me Fight He helps Me withstand
I believe in My Heart He has A Plan Though I Don’t Understand I know there’s A Reason for it all in the End
It is a disease in which the body’s immune system eats up it’s own protective sheet (myelin) that covers your nerves. This damage to myelin causes interference in communication between your brain, spinal cord and other areas of the body specially the limbs. Symptoms: Numbness or fatigue in one or more limb, double vision or blur vision, Pain in body parts, tremors, lack of coordination, electric shock sensations with head movement, slurred speech, heat sensitivity and dizziness. Treatment: The disease is irreversible and has no cure. It can only be managed and certain medications can be used to prevent MS attacks and stop the further progress of the disease.
This is how an MS patient Christine Miserandino writes in order to explain her life and her experience with the disease. The tasks that she can’t perform like normal people and how she explains her life with examples. A must read for all.
My best friend and I were in the diner talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French Fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spend a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time.
We never got serious about anything in particular and spend most of our time laughing.As I went to take some of my vitamins with a snack as I usually did, she watched me this time with a kind of start, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have MS and be sick.
I was shocked, not only because she asked the random question but also, I assumed she knew all there was to know about MS.
She had come to the doctors with me, seen me getting MRI’s, she saw me stumble on sidewalks and have to sit down at a concert. She carried me out when I couldn’t walk another step, what else was there to know?
I started to ramble on about the vitamins and the changes but she didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of MS.
Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no healthy person can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to me…having MS.
As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least a stall. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a person with MS goes through every day with clarity?I could have given up and cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand? If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.
At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables.
I looked her in the eyes and said, ” Here you go, you have MS.” She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons.
The cold metal spoons clanked together as I shoved them into her hands. I explained that the difference between having MS and being healthy is having to make choices, or to think consciously about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of choice, a gift most people take for granted.
Most people start the day with an unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects their actions will have. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to take away, since most people who get MS feel the “loss” of a life they once knew.
If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case MS, in control.
She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time. Little did she know how serious the game would become.
I asked her to count the spoons. She asked why, and I explained that the spoons represented units of energy and when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of spoons.
But when you have MS and you have to plan your day, you need to know exactly how many spoons you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started the game yet. I’ve wanted more spoons for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has MS.
I asked her to list off her day, including the most simple tasks. As she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon.
I practically jumped down her throat. I said, “no, you don’t just get up. You have to crack your eyes open and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and you have to make yourself something to eat before you do anything else because you have to take your vitamins and have energy for the day and if not you might as well give up on spoons for the whole day!”
I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet.
Showering cost her another spoon, just washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching too high or low, or having the shower water too hot and choosing to blow dry her hair would have cost more than one spoon but I didn’t want to scare her too much in the beginning.
Getting dressed is worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every detail needs to be thought about. You have to see what clothes you can physically put on, what shoes are going to be appropriate for the days walking requirements, if pain or spacticity is a problem, buttons are out. If I have bruising from my medication, long sleeves might be in order. You cannot simply throw clothes on when you have MS…its just not that easy.
I think she started to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work yet and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your spoons are gone, they are gone.
Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s spoons but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less spoons. I also needed to explain that a person who has MS lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a fever comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could prove disabling.
So you do not want to run low on spoons, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of the real day for me.
We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing on her computer for too long. She was forced to make choices and to think about things differently.
Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.
When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had two spoons left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots.
If she went out to dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely without having blurred vision or forgetting to turn her lights on. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores but you can’t do it all.
I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think maybe finally someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly, “Christine, how do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?”
I answered that some days were worse than others , some days I have more spoons than most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t ever for a minute forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding on reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve, you need to always be prepared.”
It’s hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not to do everything. I fight this very day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel the frustration. I wanted her to understand that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one.
I need to think about the weather and my own body before I can attack any one thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between having a chronic illness and being healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom.
I miss never having to count my spoons.
After we were emotional and talked about this for a while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands.
But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug and we walked out of the diner. I had one spoon in my hand and I said, “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste every day? I don’t have room to waste them, and I choose to spend this time with you.”
Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do.
Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they look at their own life a little differently. I think it isn’t just good for understanding MS, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness.
Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the words, every time I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my spoons.
Being a Medical student, learning and hearing about stories of different patients, their lifestyles, relations, love and most of all their will power to fight and fight. I felt an urge of writing about them.
In our daily basis we can see different patients but nobody actually knows what affect their disease symptoms have left on their minds.
How do they really feel?
What is it like to be affected by a chronic illness?
How your love and relations are affected?
How you actually see your life like this?
How many times you have wished to be a normal person like everybody else?
That’s why I have named the category “illness and resilience”. I’ll be posting some disease related info and a patient story per post.
I am really looking forward to this writing experience.
“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. It matters that you don't just give up." - Stephen Hawking (Died March 14th 2018 on Albert Einsteins Birthday & on the same day Galileo died. R.I.P. You Will Be Missed . . . )