As bitter as I am

Thinking, thinking and thinking is one of those habits of mine that I hate. I often sit for hours when I am intended to do something but at the end the only thing I had been doing is just mingling with loads of THOUGHTS. Today, this time, this very moment I am stuck with the same thing. I think so much and at the end when it comes to speech or actions I am mostly just blank. This has been happening from quite a few months now.

I always have problems telling people how I really feel about them. Expressing love has always been difficult and so is maintaining a healthy and foregoing conversation. It often happens that I am blunt to such an extent that it resembles or is almost very rude. I notice and remember way too small details about people so I have to act dumb sometimes so I don’t freak them out. I don’t indulge and take part in  conversations between any mutual friend instead I just smile, My best friend says it’s rude that you are sitting right in the middle of a conversation and not even saying a word but how can it be rude when I am smiling?? I mean isn’t smiling considered as a part of a conversation?? Well my best friend laughs really hard on me and I still don’t get it.

When it comes to correcting people I become edgy and irritated after a certain period of time and when it comes to joking around with pals I turn out to be pretty much defensive on the inside but I often don’t show it. My best friend says I need to change a little bit for the people I love and care for, as they will never know how much I love them if I never show up or tell them. She says I utter bitter words at times I need to be a little bit sweet, I need to learn to greet people happily and object in a kind manner.

The exact opposite thing happened yesterday when I had to correct a dear friend of mine. He has a strange habit of comparing himself with everybody I like. I never wanted him to do it since he is different, he has a special place, a separate and unique existence that matters a lot to me. I tried and ended up somewhat like this.

Me: You know I don’t like one habit of yours at all.

He: What??

Me: Man why do you always start comparing yourself with others? I mean everybody is different in their own sense.

He: Hmm okay.

At that moment I realized that I was a bit too straight forward. I tried coping up
Me: What I meant to say was that everybody has their own different and distinct place.

He: Oh okay.

Me: Mmm I was expecting something other than this “Okay”.

He: What else??

Me: hah nothing. I am just feeling sleepy now so I gotta leave.

I couldn’t think of any other way to cope up and any other thing to say so I just tried quitting the topic for that time. My words were really quite bitter.

I told my best friend and as she said:

 You should have said that in a positive, sugar coated, in a kind manner. Like you should have told him that you admire him, you think he is different from everybody else so there is no comparison of him with anybody you like. Nobody can fill in his shoes and you simply don’t wanna loose him ever.

I wished I could have said it the right way or should have used the right words but it just happened. I can’t say it’s a slip of tongue infact I was just bound to my habit. A part of me was kind of disappointed and half embarrassed.

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